I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
