The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
