oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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