and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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