You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
