Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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