i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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