Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
