No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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