Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
