Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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