I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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