I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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