Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
