based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize