Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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