I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
