I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
