The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
