i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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