Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
