i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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