I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
