I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
