I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
