we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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