I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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