also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
