There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
