My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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