i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
