I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
