Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
foreskin is a definite game changer
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
