i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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