my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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