Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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