Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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