she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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