Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think your dad took our porno
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
