her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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