i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
True strength comes from lack of pants