stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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