I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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