Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Still dying that you shit outside
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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