i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
