I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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