...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
