That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
