I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
