Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
