every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
