i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
