She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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