omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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