You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
