no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
