Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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