dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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