my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
