They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
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You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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